When did I become an adult?

It really hit home this weekend.

A friend and I wanted to take a quick trip to NYC to see a show, but we didn't want to pay for a hotel, so we caught a 3:30 am bus out of DC. It dropped us off at Penn Station with just enough time to grab a quick breakfast before hitting the theater to pick up our tickets. (Being a student is the best - second row seats for $27!!) We spent a couple hours just wandering around Central Park before our matinee, which is when the sleep deprivation started to kick in. In my anxiety to not miss our ridiculously early bus, I hadn't slept the night before, and I definitely didn't sleep on the bus. Luckily the show was fabulous enough that I stayed awake, but I was more than ready to crash when we boarded the bus back to DC at 7:30 pm. A couple big discoveries: First, a trip like this would have been no big deal in college. I didn't sleep much for those 4 years. Now, it was a little painful. Second, I love that I have friends that will still do crazy things like that with me, even if we pay dearly for it afterward.

Worth it? Absolutely. Bernadette "the BP that isn't destroying the planet" Peters and Elaine Stritch were brilliant in Sondheim's "A Little Night Music".

Other recent "Whoa. I'm really a adult" moments:

• Dealing with identity theft
• Actually owing taxes for the first time
• Getting called "Ms Chamberlain" every day for 3 years
  
• Choosing to stay home on a Friday night because I was too tired from the week.
  
• Replacing all the tires on my car
• Road tripping to visit college friends with 2+ kids
• Someone asked me last night how long I'd been playing the piano. And I realized the answer was TWENTY years. Holy cow.
• I am a "former" teacher
• Cody's wedding & Michael's graduation
• Paying for my own insurance
  

Maybe going back to school will make me feel more like a kid? Here's hoping...

Reasons I love my life this week.

10. Gianduiotti made their way back into my life. If you're not lucky enough to have ever tried these little nuggets of joy, think Nutella. But in bar form. Thank you Luigi and Janine for passing them on. If you ever get a chance to eat one of these, don't think, just do it.


9. My new room is finally going to be all put together. I moved 3 weeks ago to a little basement apartment about half a mile from my old place. With Emily's help, I got my desk moved over to the new place and I finally get to unpack the final box!! Pictures to come when it's actually finished.

8. Watching (or re-watching) some really beautiful movies & documentaries with my roommate. On the list this week: God Grew Tired of Us, Il Postino, The Red Balloon. I would highly recommend God Grew Tired Of Us, about the lost boys of Sudan. It's heart-wrenching and life-changing.

7. I'm getting really excited to start school in the fall. I'm starting some prep work for one of my classes this week and trying to remember how to study. Any suggestions for reading "The Federalist" ??

6. I survived the dentist.

5. Paid unemployment is one of the best things on earth. I get to spend my days reading, shopping, working out, cooking, watching movies, etc. I honestly don't know how I ever had time to work with all the other things that are going on!

4. D.C. has really awesome things to do in the summer. Case in point, the US Air Force Band Summer Concert Series. Every Wednesday and Friday night during the summer, the USAF Band (or different variations of it: the Singing Sargeants, Airmen of Note, etc.) plays a free concert at the Air Force Memorial here in Arlington. The band is incredibly talented and the view of the city is breathtaking.

3. Marvin Hamlisch directing the NSO with Idina Menzel singing the acoustic/Glee version of "Poker Face". This is maybe one of the more ridiculous musical scenarios that I could even imagine. But it was indescribably fabulous. Thanks to the girl who managed to tape at least most of the song. Youtube clip here .

2. I have amazing friends. People that inspire me to be better in so many different ways. Intellectually, emotionally, spiritually, physically. Love you all.

1. In just 3 days (plus a few hours) I'll be heading home to Eagle to spend two weeks with my wonderful family! Camping trip, plenty of yardwork and a WEDDING. Wow.

"I teach high school"

In just over two weeks, I won't be able to say that anymore.

For the past 3-ish years, those four words have been a huge part of my identity. Countless hours of small talk at evite parties, ward functions and chatting with new folks in my parents' ward has been consumed by me explaining what I do, where I do it and why. But being a "Teacher" isn't just a talking point. I am constantly in teacher mode - how can I teach this principle? How can I model appropriate behavior? I can't shut up when I'm with friends at Arlington Cemetery or about 3 dozen other sites in and around DC. And not 30 seconds ago I corrected a friend's spelling (though in my defense, she asked). I am a teacher.

So what happens when the label "Teacher" has been removed? Don't get me wrong, I'm not rethinking my decision to quit and go back to school this fall. I'm just searching for a way to re-identify myself, to explain why after only 3 years in the profession I'm leaving it for something else. Am I a "former teacher"? I feel too young to be a former anything. Am I just someone who needed the "inner city experience" for a few years to feel good about myself? Am I giving up too early? I don't want to be any of those things.

On one hand, I will always be a teacher. It has become a part of me. I apologize in advance to those of you who hang out with me at a museum or another particularly teacher-y location. I will continue to explain the history behind whatever monument / event / person we are visiting - I just can't help that.

And clearly, there are other things that define me. I am a daughter of God with limitless divine potential. I am a Chamberlain, the oldest daughter of wonderful parents who have set a high bar for their children. I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I'm an Idaho girl trying to make it in the big city. I will shortly become a student again and that just thrills me. I'm a daughter and a sister and a friend and I love each role that I play. But I think that despite how frustrated I am currently with my job, I'm going to miss the role of teacher a whole lot.

Roommate of the month award... (and a confession)

This post is going to be a little less introspective than the last, but maybe just as revealing.

I have always prided myself on not being one of those squeamish girls. We all know the type. The girl who jumps on a desk and hikes up her skirt whenever a mouse scurries by (yes, I have seen a grown woman do that. best day of my life). I have no problems dissecting a frog or a fetal pig and on one occasion picked up a black snake to show my (slightly less adventurous) inner city students.

I do have a couple standard phobias. I really don't like heights, especially if there's actually a physical possibility of falling - for example, the ferris wheel in Chicago was considerably more traumatizing than the Ledge at the top of the Willis (formerly Sears) Tower. I'm also not a huge fan of bats or rats (mice are ok, rats are not).

The latest inexplicable and frankly embarrassing phobia that I've discovered is of this little guy:

(Ewww. It took all the self control I have to search for and post a picture of that thing. And to be honest I might take this post down simply because I can't handle looking at it. )

A few of these charming little creatures have found their way into our bathroom in the past few weeks. Not only are they actually very large bugs and ugly as sin, but they JUMP. I can't think of anything more terrifying while you're using the bathroom or showering than one of these jumping on you. I heard about the first one because Callie had strategically placed a toilet plunger over the cricket to keep it in place until we could get someone to kill it for us. After the first , she got brave and killed the next couple herself. I was sorely disappointed to learn that I am a little squeamish after all.

So. Roommate of the month award goes to my dear camel-cricket-killer-Callie.

And now the confession. A week or two ago as I was washing my face, I noticed a large blackish spot on the wall that wasn't usually there. When I put my glasses on and discovered what that blackish spot was (suddenly in focus and VERY close to my face)... I grabbed my toothbrush and avoided our bathroom for about 24 hours. I should have dealt with it, I know, but I just couldn't. Next time, Callie, I promise.

Becoming

How exactly does one become a happy person?

I'm not saying that I'm unhappy. But I want to be more consistently happy with who I am and the things I'm doing with my life. I want to feel like my efforts are adequate and acceptable to God.

Every once in a while I catch glimpses of this woman that I want to be. She wakes up on time every morning, really studies her scriptures before leaving for work and starts out every day with a positive attitude. She is alert and productive at work. She manages to not only keep her classes under control and teach about the Treaty of Paris, but also nurtures students that desperately need it. She comes home from work, chats with her roommates and heads off to the gym for a challenging, stress-relieving workout. She spends her evenings reading or volunteering or practicing the piano and hanging out with friends. She keeps the gospel of Jesus Christ at the forefront of her mind throughout the day and consciously bases her decisions off true principles of the Gospel. She remembers that everyone is a son or daughter of God and treats everyone she meets as such.

I struggle figuring out how to actually become that person all the time. I realize on reflection that even the people who seem "perfect" have days where they feel like they've fallen short. I just want to feel like this amazing woman more often than I do. So how do you balance striving for perfection with the knowledge that perfection is unattainable? It's our end goal in this life, definitely, but that means that for the next 60 or so years, I've got to deal with failure. And unfortunately, like most humans, I am terrified of failure. I'm trying to change my vantage point. I'm trying to develop the courage to pick myself up when I've fallen, to move beyond my failure and to choose to be happy. I had no idea that achieving success and happiness would take so much courage.

I made a list a few weeks ago of things that make me happy:

• crossing things off my to-do list
• a clean house
• reading a good book for hours on end
• starting / working on a new creative project
• sitting at the family piano on sunday afternoons and singing with my family
• camping
• waking up first on a camping trip and having the dawn all to myself
• long walks, alone or with a close friend
• singing along with the radio at the top of my lungs
• phone calls from old friends
• experimenting with new recipes
• walks in the rain

In creating this list, however, I've discovered that sometimes I have a hard time actually doing the things that make me the happiest. This makes no sense. Why would I not jump at the chance to become happier? Again, I think it goes back to courage. It's easier, more comfortable to take a lackadaisical approach to life, to just let things happen instead of proactively seeking out opportunities for self-improvement. Happiness takes effort. Achievement takes effort. Perfection takes a whole lot of effort. And I have to convince myself that it's worth it.

So here's the best part:
Jesus Christ already prepared a way for me (us). He knows exactly the challenges that I face. When I choose to rely on him, I can receive the strength that I need to get me through life's challenges, even if the challenge is simply being happy.

Elder Richard G. Scott wrote in a talk entitled "The Atonement Can Secure Your Peace and Happiness" the following:

"True, enduring happiness, with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the greatest difficulties, will come as you center your life in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a secure ascent in the journey of life. That takes effort. While there is no guarantee of overnight results, there is the assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and happiness will be yours."

I'm striving to make this my new mantra. I could use your support as well.

words of wisdom

Student 1: "ms. chamberlain, is Jewish a religion or a race?"
Student 2: "it's a religion right? because i'm Jewish, but that doesn't mean i'm from Jew-land"

♫ when i required students to send me a message from our online grade system so i knew they had logged in to their grades:

"hi ms. chamberlain this is amber i am just emailing you because you told me to and i really don't
have anything else to talk about so.. yeah im going to go now."

"i think white people with dreads look like they need to pour water on it. like it looks like sawdust"

prior to the first parent-teacher conference: "MRS. chamberlain, i'm excited you get to meet my parents tonight. you'll recognize them because my dad is really tall and my mom looks just like me."
my (internal) response: "i'll also recognize them because they're white."

"ms. chamberlain, are Africans considered African-American?"

and the follow-up question: "if a white American guy marries an African woman, are their kids African-American?"

"ms. chamberlain, your eyelashes are blond on top!!!" (after i've spent 3 minutes lecturing her on some behavioral infraction.)


despite all the drama, these little gems always just make my day

Lessons in God's love

I want to introduce you to a student in my notoriously bad 3^rd period class; we’ll call him John. John is a sophomore and because I teach two different courses, this is the second year he’s been in my class. John is a nice enough kid but has zero self control. He talks constantly to whoever he is sitting near; does absolutely no homework; gets up in the middle of class and walks around. A few weeks ago I ended up locking him out of the room because I was just done with the attitude. At least once a week I pull him aside and have a conversation about school rules, classroom rules and the choices he is making. I remind him that I have been in his shoes. I survived my sophomore year of high school and college. And that I really do know how much effort and work it will take to get him through not only my class but to be successful in life. I remind him that the rules I put in place are not me “picking on him” but are in fact there to teach valuable principles and skills that will help him succeed. Every time we have this conversation, his attitude changes. He understands why I constantly change his assigned seat. He actually does his classwork and focuses on his tasks. Total transformation. Unfortunately, this transformation lasts about 30 minutes and the misbehavior starts up again. A year and a half of these weekly cycles has been exhausting.

A few months ago as I was preparing for a sacrament meeting talk (from which this post derives), I had an epiphany. If I, in my extremely mortal and imperfect state, set classroom rules and restrictions in order for my students to learn and improve, how much more perfect are God’s laws? Just as I know the skills and discipline that are necessary for my students to pass, graduate and ultimately succeed in life, the Lord knows the bigger picture, the eternal picture. And every time I resist, he lovingly reminds me that he has eternal perspective and that he is directing me in the way I need to go. Just like my student, the very commandments that I am resisting are the things that will ultimately perfect me.

Elder Oaks says “God’s love is so perfect that he lovingly requires us to obey His commandments because He knows that only through obedience to His laws can we become perfect, as He is. For this reason, God’s anger and His wrath are not a contradiction of His love but an evidence of His love.”

The scriptures offer numerous examples. The woman taken in adultery is accepted and loved by Christ, but ultimately told to “Go, and sin no more.” (John 8:11) He loved her unconditionally, despite her grave sin, but still required obedience. Christ also taught that “Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven” (Matthew 7:21)

God’s love is unconditional. He showers blessings upon us just because he loves us. However, it is only through our obedience to His laws that we can gain the greatest blessings of all, the blessings of exaltation and eternal life. His laws, as Elder Oaks said, are evidence of His love.

Please check out Elder Oaks' talk from last October (2009) General Conference, "Love and Law"